Real Connection - Kevinn Chan

We've never been more connected to one another in history than we are today. Within seconds of posting and sharing, our statuses, tweets, and stories will have reached many of our online friends, and in time, it might reach their friends and so on. Within minutes, people who have never met us before will have access to our profiles with a click of a button. And it doesn't matter if you're right next door, or in another continent because it's just as easy either way.

This is true, however, in terms of scope. In terms of depth, on the other hand, I'm not so sure. Our networks can be as wide as an entire country or continent, but what do we talk about with our next-door neighbors, if we bother to talk to them at all? How far and deep do our conversations go with our colleagues we see everyday, our classmates, our family?

Thinking about all this makes me feel a little guilty. A week ago, my good friend Jaymes (you may check out his blog here) asked me who I’ve been talking to lately. And this just caught me off-guard because I didn’t really know what to say. Who have I been talking to lately? I mean, I see loads of people on Facebook and Twitter on a daily basis; we all do. But who have we been really connected to?

Personally, I think it's time for me to look around not just at the things I have and the things I have going on in my life, but at the people around me and those who no longer are. If you feel the same way, then I hope this list helps in some way.

This is a handful on connections, relationships, and interaction.

I wouldn't say it's as good as Tuesdays with Morrie but this one has got some really great gems. The book is primarily about Rabbi Albert Lewis ("the Reb") who had asked Albom to deliver his eulogy once he passes. So, they both schedule meetings with each other so Albom may know the Reb more personally. Very similar to Tuesdays.

Anyway, here is an excerpt from the book. It's from one of the Reb's sermons in 1958. I remember reading this last year and it just changed the way I thought about conversations and being present in it.

“A little girl came home from school with a drawing she’d made in class.

She danced into the kitchen, where her mother was preparing dinner.
“‘Mom, guess what?’ she squealed, waving the drawing.
“Her mother never looked up.
“‘What? she said, tending to the pots.
“‘Guess what?’ the child repeated, waving the drawing.
“‘What?’ the mother said, tending to the plates.
“‘Mom, you’re not listening.’
“‘Sweetie, yes I am.’
“‘Mom,’ the child said, ‘you’re not listening with your eyes.'"

Robert Waldinger is the fourth director of the one of the longest studies on adult life ever conducted. The now 78-year-long study looked into the lives of over 700 Harvard sophomores and boys from the poorest areas of Boston in the 1930s, 60 of which are still alive. Today, it continues to study the lives of the 2000 plus children of these men.

"This is wisdom that's as old as the hills. Why is this so hard to get and so easy to ignore? Well, we're human. What we'd really like is a quick fix, something we can get that'll make our lives good and keep them that way."

The data reveals a clear message about what makes a good life. Watch the talk here:

I've always thought that Cars is by one of the best Pixar films to be made. I'm sure it took a great deal of genius to create a world of cars and for cars. So getting ready to watch Cars 2, my expectations were way up. I mean, I knew sequels were always risky: most of them fall short of the original. Cars 2 wasn't spared from this, to say the least. My advice would be to skip to Cars 3. However, there is one scene in the movie which I thought was memorable in itself.

Context: In this film, Mater is an undercover agent. And in this scene, different disguises are tried on Mater by Holley Shiftwell, another spy-in-training. I think Mater's response in this scene is just great.

Holley Shiftwell: (to Mater) Now, hold still. (presses a button) First, I have to do the final fitting on your disguise.

(A computer then shows that the surface of the disguise does not match Mater's surface, due to the number of dents on his body.)

Holley: Oh, dear. That's no good. Hm. (presses a button)

Mater: (notices a robotic sander closing in on him) Hey! What are you doin'?

Holley: The disguise won't calibrate effectively without a smooth surface to graft onto.

Mater: Oh, for a second there, I thought you was tryin' to fix my dents.

Holley: Yes, I was. (presses a button to move the sander away)

Mater: Well, then, no, thank you. I don't get them dents buffed, pulled, filled or painted by nobody. They way too valuable.

Holley: Your dents are valuable? Really?

Mater: I come by each one of 'em with my best friend, Lightning McQueen. I don't fix these. I wanna remember these dents forever.

I'm sure many would agree with me when I say that small talk is just the most awkward experience that we all, at some point, will have to to go through. For most of our conversations, it's the first step to really getting to know someone on a deeper level. But does it have to be?

A friend of mine linked me to this article from the New York Times a couple of years ago. It's a dating article about our conversations but it really applies to all kinds of conversations. So whether you're dating someone, not dating anyone, not looking to date anytime soon, or can't wait for your next one, please do take the time to read it. It's a great read.

"Why couldn’t we all embrace her openness?

Why did being with a stranger so often mean we couldn’t immediately talk about meaningful things?"

Click here or on the photo below to be redirected to the article.

"Why can’t we replace small talk with big talk and ask each other profound questions right from the start? Replace mindless chatter about commuting times with a conversation about our weightiest beliefs and most potent fears? Questions that reveal who we are and where we want to go?"

Also published on Medium.

1. Sermon by the Reb in 1958, an excerpt from Have a Little Faith by Mitch Albom

2. What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness, a TED Talk by Robert Waldinger

3. Mater's dents

4. The End of Small Talk, a New York Times article by Tim Boomer

5. 10 ways to have a better conversation, a TED Talk by Celeste Headlee